How to Write a Crap Philosophy Essay: A
Brief Guide for Students
- Always begin your essay along these lines: “Since the very dawn of time the problem of free will has been considered by many of the greatest and deepest thinkers in history.”
- Always end your essay along these lines: “So it can be seen from the above arguments that there are many different points of view about the free will problem.”
- Whenever in any doubt as to what to say about X, say, apropos of nothing in particular and without explanation, that X is extremely subjective.
- When that gets boring, try saying that X is all very relative. Never say what it is relative to.
- Use language with as little precision as possible. Engage heavily in malapropism and category mistakes. Refer to claims as “arguments” and to arguments as “claims”. Frequently describe sentences as “valid” and arguments as “true”. Use the word “logical” to mean plausible or true. Use “infer” when you mean “imply”. Never use the expression “begging the question” with its correct meaning but use it incorrectly as often as possible.
- “Argument” is perhaps the most important word in philosophy. So why not impress the marker by spelling it with two “e”s?
- Get into the habit of inserting words like “so” and “therefore” between sentences that are entirely irrelevant to one another. This, all by itself, will bring into being a mutual relevance that previously did not exist.
- Be careful always assiduously to avoid answering the question asked. There are so many other more interesting things for you to discuss.
- Put “quotation marks” round words “entirely” at random.
- Be completely defeated by apostrophes. Systematically confuse “its” and “it’s”.
- At some point in every essay, treat the marker to a brief Dr McCoy style sermon about the dangers of being too “logical” when trying to think about the existence of God/moral obligation/free will/the theory of knowledge/any subject matter whatever. To reinforce the point it always helps to point out how once again how very subjective the subject matter in question is.
- Avoid clarity at all costs. Remember: nothing that is clear can possibly be really deep. If as a result the marker gives you a third that just shows that your wisdom is going straight over his/her head (Don’t, whatever you do, heed the words of Peter Medawar: “No one who has something original or important to say will willingly run the risk of being misunderstood; people who write obscurely are either unskilled in writing or up to mischief.” – What a silly man!)
- Remember. Paragraphs are for sissies. So are headings.
- Only little people use examples. Avoid them strenuously. If you must insist on using some, be sure to do so with studied irrelevance.
Anyone have additional advice for students about how to write a crap essay in philosophy? I'll add:
15. Never ever give your reader an indication of how your reasoning works. Don't explain that this claim follows from that one, or that you're now raising an objection to a claim or argument and so on. Instead, make your reader do the work of figuring our how what you say fits into a coherent, reasoned whole.
Use "I believe," "I feel that," or "in my opinion" as much as possible. How else will the grader know whose beliefs, feelings, or opinions she's reading?
ReplyDeleteBad advice. It is important that it is clear in an essay whose views are being represented. I advise students to make clear when they are reporting what someone else has said, and when it is what they are saying themselves. It also needs to be clear when they are switching from (say) the proponenet of a view to an opponent. Whose 'voice' is speaking in an essay is important.
DeleteAnon, John is adding something else to the list of how to write a bad essay, He isn't giving proper advice...
Deleteanon # 2, you missed something haha
DeleteDon't waste time with citations. Your grader can be expected to be familiar with all the relevant literature, so s/he will simply find citations to be unnecessary distractions from the flow of your prose.
ReplyDeleteI love the "since the dawn of time" opening. I gets me in hysterics every time I come across it.
ReplyDeleteOK, this is going to sound pretty humorless and politically correct, and I am sure everyone needs this emotional release after weeks of end-of-semester grading, but I have to say I find the condescension in this post painful to read. Why would students who are taking their first (or even second) philosophy course understand that they should avoid doing these things (or know how to write philosophy essays) unless we've taught them? Could we revise this list to take out the disdainful tone and give it to students BEFORE they write the essay? Seems like we should remind ourselves that we are all very good at detecting when others are looking down on us, and resolve not to carry the disdain for our students into next semester.
ReplyDeleteFrequently switch from propositions to questions and always leave those questions hanging. Whenever an argument is hard to evaluate simply write: but is this argument convincing, really? And move on. After all aren't cliff hangers commonplace in standard format action tv series for a reason?
ReplyDeleteRe: Donna
ReplyDeleteI completely disagree. If other instructors approach teaching as I do, then they tell students from day one that style and substance matters, create handouts to that effect, continually remind students to come to office hours if they have questions, give detailed feedback in the form of comments or a detailed grading rubric, and recommend texts on writing philosophy to assist the uninitiated (e.g., Vaughn's Writing Philosophy, Seech's Writing Philosophy Papers, or Martinich's Philosophical Writing).
Even if one does none of these things, I have no problem with a prof breaking this out on the first day of class and presenting it with all the snark intended. At that point, no one in the room is guilty of producing a paper with such errors. Furthermore, many students respond to this kind of snark. It gets their attention. Also, in a funny way, it lets the student know how not to annoy the professor and avoid bad grades.
I would even couple this list with Steven Dutch's "Top Ten No Sympathy Lines" found here: http://www.uwgb.edu/dutchs/nosymp.htm
To my mind, we need to disabuse students of the view that "anything goes" in philosophy by teaching them the more technical aspects of argumentation and such (See Warburton's Thinking: From A to Z and Baggini's The Philosopher's Toolkit). By doing so, we can help students understand that they should take "Intro. to Philosophy" just as seriously as we know they will take "Intro. to Physics."
I agree. As a philosophy student (albeit a 42 year old one) I think comments and 'guidelines' like these are needed, as long as you provide proper instruction as well. How many students take a philosophy course because they think 'anyone can read and write'? If they're reminded early on not to underestimate argumentation and writing, and get examples of the kind of writing that is unacceptable, they'll try harder. It's better to have someone explain to you why something would get you a 'fail', instead of why it did. And anyway, students do have a sense of humor.
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ReplyDeleteMake good use of the phrase "Now let me play devil's advocate."
ReplyDeleteSadly, it sounds a lot like French or German philosophical writing, i.e., the kind of stuff they have to read, and -- being students -- they absorb and emulate it. I realise this is meant to be funny, and it is, but in all seriousness, one of the best bit of positive advice is: "1. Don't attempt to emulate the seminal works you will be reading. They are written for a different purpose". and "2. Write as if you were reading your work to a class of high school kids. They are sitting in front of you listening. Imagine them trying to concentrate on your meaning. If they look puzzled, use a simple example. Use short sentence, etc etc." I have advice along these lines if anyone is interested.
ReplyDeleteHave I heard Physics Envy?
ReplyDeleteMove from a single premise to an unrelated conclusion. Often marked with a concluding sentence. "From this premise we can conclude."
ReplyDeleteUnder no circumstances should you address counter arguments! Avoid them as they might show the position you have taken to have been untenable.
Always include some variation on the phrase: "The thing the makes humans special and sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is x", where "x" is whatever your essay happens to be about.
ReplyDeleteMake a comment about data, statistics or a scientific theory and follow with a comment of the form, "I don't really understand the math..." That way the marker can give you points for trying even though your comment is completely incorrect.
ReplyDeleteYes, my all time favorite was "this books is about life itself."
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, this is all the stuff they're supposed to learn in school. It's our job to teach them...rather than snicker and feel contemptuous. They're what...17, 18, 19? They're babies.
Remember that you can create a formal argument simply by numbering a list of propositions - there needn't be any obvious connections between them and your tutors will love this.
ReplyDeleteKant - fail. Hegel - fail. Wittgenstein (later, of course) - fail. Nietzsche - fail. Kierkegaard - fail. Oh well, some people just aren't cut out for serious philosophy at serious universities.
ReplyDelete